Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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