Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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