How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
