PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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