The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
