This girl is more easily done than said...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
