she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have feelings that need drinking.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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