I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
