did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
