I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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