Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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