Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
