I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
it's like heaven, but drunker
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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