My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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