I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
