you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
