I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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