WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I cannot find my penis.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
