shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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