these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
