If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize