I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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