There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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