You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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