I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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