my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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