it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
