This dress was meant to end up on your floor
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
