I am puke
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
