you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
honey bunches of taint.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
