i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
