She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
