I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
