Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
