If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
