just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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