You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
