i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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