I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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