the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
