I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
