i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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