Betty ford says i'm here all night
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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