it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize