We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
