i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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