Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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