i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
