Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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