remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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