I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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