i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
