I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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