The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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