Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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