someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
