So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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