Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
