happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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