i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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