Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
