I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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