Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
