My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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