Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
